Mandy Moore on the Cost of Kindness

Self-proclaimed former pop princess, literal Disney princess, and soon-to-be mom of three, Mandy Moore sits slightly ahead of me on an exceptionally windy New York City Monday evening. Her eyes are wide with wonder, beaming sincerity deeply into me, and her hands clasp in a tight knuckle underneath her chin. I apologize to her as I sift through my bag for my notebook and tape recorder, but she assures me no apologies are necessary and encourages me to take all the time I need.

Quickly, I am face to face with a truth to accompany all the rumors I had heard leading up to this interview: Mandy Moore is a really, really nice person.

Comments on a recent TikTok refer to her as the "sweetest person ever" and on a March 2019 podcast episode of "Keep It!," she was lauded for bringing out an unexpected kind side of a cohost "never seen before." Her natural charm and warm composure effortlessly radiate the kindness that countless others immediately recognize in her. It propelled her in portraying characters like the matriarchal Rebecca Pearson in "This Is Us" or voicing the dream-driven, starry-eyed Rapunzel in "Tangled," but she tells PS that the definitive labels of "kind" or "nice" can carry "a lot of pressure" and "be discounting of all the other facets of who you are."

"Being defined as kind is a lovely thing, but where it gets problematic is when it can permeate into the professional side of things," Moore says. "People are often like 'oh, she's so sweet, I would never think of her for this particular type of role because she's really nice,' and being confined to that singular identity can feel troublesome."

Moore says she can play the "serial killer" or the "cult leader," but for her, it's "frustrating when people can't see you as something outside of that singular identity."

According to a new study released by TJ Maxx, "94 percent of women have had labels imposed on them by others, and only 16 percent feel the labels given to them by others align with how they would define their true selves." While Moore continued to affirm she adores being called kind, the descriptor raises questions of when women are labeled as "kind," what types of people are they not given permission to be?

"Does that mean I can't have a bad day? Or be in a bad mood because I didn't sleep well? Or for whatever reason, you can't be human and must be infallible," Moore says. "If that's the only way the world is seeing you, there is a big pressure."

In a fireside discussion with Simone Boyce hosted by TJ Maxx, Moore categorized different parts of her life into a series of five labels: determined (birth to 8 years old), pop princess (8 to 16), girl next door (16 to 24), versatile (24 to 32), comeback queen (30s), and mom (present day). Moore described how each label both pushed her to mold towards an identity, but also to break away from what it inferred.

Reflecting on her earlier labels like "pop princess" and "girl next door," Moore says she felt "perfectionism" thrust upon her at an early age. It provoked her to compare herself to other women and always chase a next, bigger, more successful stage in life. To this day, Moore sees the perfectionist drive towards an abstract ideal continue to "manifest in insidious ways," but she's not ashamed of it. "It is a part of who I am and I carry pieces of it with me in my everyday," Moore says.

On a recent episode of the podcast "Not Alone," Moore shared that what has surprised her most about motherhood is her approach to "patience," which she has had to handle differently than at any other time in her life. However, she says this is what makes aging a "gift," growing in and out of labels or identities that serve you differently in changing stages of life.

"You would be talking to a completely different person of who I was when I was 25," Moore says to PS while reflecting on aging. "I had the same sort of values and I tried to move through the world in the same way, but I don't think I was a good advocate for myself. I don't think I had good boundaries. I think I was much more concerned with saying yes and being perceived as a kind person who could contort themselves to fit into certain spaces."

At 40 years old now, Moore says her concerns about fitting into the perfect image of kindness, or mother, or actress, or singer, or any label no longer suit her. Instead, she is focused on "wholly accepting who I am," inclusive of all parts of her identity that make her the Mandy Moore she looks forward to seeing in the mirror every day.

"I'm more comfortable with myself now than I ever have been. We're lucky enough to continue to get older year by year. I'm excited for everything that it's gonna bring with it and that's not to say that I am gonna be elated every time I look in the mirror. I definitely am like, wow, I can see this line here, these other lines in my forehead, but I'm also like, this is who I am. I'm an expressive person. I move my face, I smile, I'm happy. And all of these lines, signs of age, are a testament to that," Moore says.

On June 25, TJ Maxx announced a partnership with Mandy Moore to launch the The Maxx You Project's newest campaign, Claim Your And, where she advocates against the confines of labels placed on her and other women. She is encouraging women to ditch the "or" of the different parts of who they are and instead, embrace the multidimensionality of the "and."

Shahamat Uddin is a freelance writer largely covering queer and South Asian issues, but also related lifestyle topics and entertainment. His family hails from Sylhet, Bangladesh, but after growing up in Roswell, GA, he now lives in Brooklyn with his cat, Butter. Outside of PS, he also has bylines in Teen Vogue, Vogue, Vogue India, New York Magazine, Them, The Nation, and more.