What Happened on Game of Thrones This Week? 30 Seriously Insane Things, For Starters

By Quinn Keaney
HBO
HBO

Major Game of Thrones spoilers below!

Warning: you might have trouble breathing after watching the fifth episode of Game of Thrones season seven, because it's one INSANE ride. Although "Eastwatch" doesn't have quite as much firepower as "The Spoils of War," it manages to squeeze in, oh, about a million bombshells. From the truth about Jon Snow's parentage and a jaw-dropping pregnancy announcement to the fact that a certain character is incredibly hot now, the episode is action-packed, to say the least. Relive each and every shocking moment below to help you prepare for what's coming next week.

01
When You Realize You Spent a Week Worrying Jaime and Bronn Drowned For Nothing
Cartoon Network

When You Realize You Spent a Week Worrying Jaime and Bronn Drowned For Nothing

They anticlimactically surface from that pond and have a casual chat. NBD.

02
When Dany Starts Showing Serious Mad King Tendencies
Paramount Pictures

When Dany Starts Showing Serious Mad King Tendencies

"Bend the knee . . . or die."

03
When Drogon Roasts Randyll and Dickon Tarly Alive
Screen Gems

When Drogon Roasts Randyll and Dickon Tarly Alive

Rest in peace, you beautiful man.

04
When Jaime Tells Cersei That Lady Olenna Actually Poisoned Joffrey, Not Tyrion
NBC

When Jaime Tells Cersei That Lady Olenna Actually Poisoned Joffrey, Not Tyrion

05
When Cersei Looks at Him Like She Wants to Burn the World Down
Sony Pictures Classics

When Cersei Looks at Him Like She Wants to Burn the World Down

06
When Drogon Lets Jon Snow Pet Him . . .
ABC

When Drogon Lets Jon Snow Pet Him . . .

So beautiful.

07
. . . And Then Daenerys Immediately Gives Jon Googly Eyes
Cartoon Network

. . . And Then Daenerys Immediately Gives Jon Googly Eyes

08
When Jorah Returns and Shares an Emotional Hug With Dany . . .
Showtime

When Jorah Returns and Shares an Emotional Hug With Dany . . .

09
. . . Which Jon Jealousy Watches, and You Realize There's Gonna Be Drama
WE TV

. . . Which Jon Jealousy Watches, and You Realize There's Gonna Be Drama

10
When Sam Stands Up to a Whole Room of Crabby Maesters
Giphy

When Sam Stands Up to a Whole Room of Crabby Maesters

You go, Sam.

11
When Varys Is Talking About How Dany Is Acting Just Like Her Evil Father
Fox

When Varys Is Talking About How Dany Is Acting Just Like Her Evil Father

12
When Tyrion Suggests Capturing a Wight and Bringing It to Cersei
Disney

When Tyrion Suggests Capturing a Wight and Bringing It to Cersei

13
When Jon Announces He's Leaving to Capture the Wight Himself, and Dany Looks So Sad
Cartoon Network

When Jon Announces He's Leaving to Capture the Wight Himself, and Dany Looks So Sad

Both Jon AND Jorah leave Dany to fight White Walkers. Rough.

14
When Arya and Sansa Start Fighting Over How to Lead the North
Warner Bros.

When Arya and Sansa Start Fighting Over How to Lead the North

CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

15
When Sansa Schools Arya in the Art of Politics
Fox

When Sansa Schools Arya in the Art of Politics

"I'm sure cutting off heads is very satisfying, but we have to work together."

16
When Tyrion and Davos Get to King's Landing From Dragonstone in .5 Seconds
Sony Pictures

When Tyrion and Davos Get to King's Landing From Dragonstone in .5 Seconds

Time travel is apparently real this season.

17
When Bronn Tricks Jaime Into Meeting Tyrion
The CW

When Bronn Tricks Jaime Into Meeting Tyrion

Big fan of your work, Bronn.

18
When Tyrion Opens Up About How Their Father Always Hated Him
TV Land

When Tyrion Opens Up About How Their Father Always Hated Him

19
When Davos Is Walking Through Flea Bottom and Runs Into Gendry
Discovery

When Davos Is Walking Through Flea Bottom and Runs Into Gendry

20
AND GENDRY IS EXTREMELY EASY ON THE EYES
Cartoon Network

AND GENDRY IS EXTREMELY EASY ON THE EYES

21
When Gendry Viciously Smashes in the Heads of Two Soldiers With a Giant Hammer
Netflix

When Gendry Viciously Smashes in the Heads of Two Soldiers With a Giant Hammer

Just like his father.

22
When Cersei Tells Jaime That She's Pregnant With His Child
Fox

When Cersei Tells Jaime That She's Pregnant With His Child

23
(And You Realize She's Probably Lying . . .)
NBC

(And You Realize She's Probably Lying . . .)

24
When Davos Introduces Gendry to Jon, and They Immediately Bond
Columbia Pictures

When Davos Introduces Gendry to Jon, and They Immediately Bond

Bastards unite!!

25
When Gilly Discovers That Jon Snow ISN'T A BASTARD AFTER ALL
Fox

When Gilly Discovers That Jon Snow ISN'T A BASTARD AFTER ALL

While paging through a book at the Citadel, Gilly reads a certain maester's record of an annulment between Rhaegar Targaryen and his wife, and the new marriage that the maester officiated for Rhaegar afterwards. In other words, Rhaegar annulled his vows to Elia Martell and properly married Lyanna Stark before she gave birth to Jon, which means he's not a bastard at all. Jon is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, even more so than Daenerys Targaryen.

26
When Sam Packs Gilly and Little Sam Up For a Journey to . . . Somewhere
Bravo

When Sam Packs Gilly and Little Sam Up For a Journey to . . . Somewhere

We have a few ideas about where he's headed.

27
When Littlefinger and Arya Start Keeping Tabs on Each Other at Winterfell
TV Land

When Littlefinger and Arya Start Keeping Tabs on Each Other at Winterfell

28
When Arya Sneaks Into Littlefinger's Room . . . But Doesn't Realize He Saw Her Do It
NBC

When Arya Sneaks Into Littlefinger's Room . . . But Doesn't Realize He Saw Her Do It

This is NOT going to end well.

29
When The Hound Casually Bumps Into Jon Snow and the Gang at Eastwatch

When The Hound Casually Bumps Into Jon Snow and the Gang at Eastwatch

Beric Dondarrion and The Hound are determined to kick some White Walker ass.

30
When They March Into the Distance to Fight the White Walkers, and It's Not Looking Good
Warner Bros.

When They March Into the Distance to Fight the White Walkers, and It's Not Looking Good

Jon Snow can't die again, right? RIGHT?