I Wanted the Baby, I Grieve For the Baby — and an Abortion Was the Right Decision

This article is part of POPSUGAR's 50 States, 50 Abortions, a large-scale storytelling project that aims to elevate the voices of people who've had abortions. For more information about how to find an abortion clinic near you, please visit The Cut's abortion service finder.

I was 31 years old when I had my abortion. My husband and I were trying to get pregnant, but we were having a hard time because I have polycystic ovary syndrome, which affects fertility. With fertility treatments, we finally did get pregnant in the summer of 2016. I was so eager when I thought I was pregnant that I took an at-home pregnancy test, even though my doctors had told me to wait to go in for a blood test instead — and there it was. The blood test later confirmed it: I was pregnant.

My first screening at 13 weeks, however, revealed some red flags for chromosomal abnormalities. So I underwent noninvasive prenatal testing, which is just a blood test, and that came back positive for those abnormalities. Then the ultrasound found physical abnormalities, too. At 14 weeks, I had an amnio to confirm the genetic diagnosis.

All that testing had been done with a maternal-fetal specialist doctor. He explained the findings, what they might've meant, and what our options were. Abortion was one of the things he talked about, and we knew pretty much right away that we were going to have an abortion. It was not a difficult decision with the information that we had.

The staff at the maternal-fetal doctor's office were really helpful and compassionate. They scheduled everything. I'm so grateful to them, because I was in such a state of shock and grief, and my brain was not functioning. I was just over 15 weeks by the time all the testing and decision-making was complete. Connecticut has no restrictions on abortion until 24 weeks, and after that, abortion is still allowed to protect the health of the pregnant person. So I was within the legal time range.

Before the actual abortion, I pretty much shut down. I tried to pretend that I wasn't pregnant, because it was so emotionally painful. I was early enough along that I wasn't feeling any movement or anything, but you still feel like crap and very alone. I was still pregnant.

The maternal-fetal doctor was the one who performed it. I was far enough along that I needed a dilation and evacuation, a D&E, which takes two days. The first day, I had laminaria, which is a type of seaweed kelp, inserted into my cervix to start dilation. The second day was the actual abortion. The laminaria happened the day of the 2016 election; I woke up in the morning on Nov. 9, 2016, saw that Donald Trump was elected president, and went to the hospital to have an abortion for the pregnancy that I wanted so badly.

After the abortion, I had some light bleeding, but the worst thing was that my milk still came in. I spent a week and a half with ice packs stuffed in my bra to try to dry it up. It made me so frustrated with my body. Like, don't you know that there's no baby? Why are you doing this to me?

Everyone was really supportive, but I still felt a lot of shame. And even though I knew people who had miscarriages or stillbirths, I felt really alone because I didn't know anyone who had an abortion for a wanted pregnancy. It helped to join an online support group for people who have ended a wanted pregnancy. That gave me hope that I would move through it and eventually be OK again.

I was devastated. You know, I still grieve — I think about that baby all the time. I'm full of rage, but I'm trying to channel it into doing good and helping others try to access care.

I was very lucky that I had access to quick and compassionate healthcare. I didn't have to walk through protesters at a clinic. I had a $75 surgery copay, and the rest was covered by insurance. I had a lot of support, and . . . it was the worst day of my life, and yet at the same time, we were so incredibly lucky.

I have a son now who's 4 and a half, and I think all the time about that other baby. And two things can be true at the same time, right? That I wanted that baby, I grieve for that baby, and an abortion was the right decision, and I'm glad that I was able to make that decision.

It's so hard to talk about the Supreme Court overturning Roe because it's so personal. They talk about these six-week bans and 15-week bans and everything without understanding that there are real people in real circumstances doing the best they can, trying to make the best decisions for themselves and their families.

It makes me very angry, and it motivates me.

— Jessica (she/her) (Connecticut), as told to Victoria Edel

Image Sources For "Click For Stories From Each State": Unsplash / Aaron Burden, Getty / Sergii Iaremenko/Science Photo Library, Unsplash / Manik Roy and Photo Illustration: Patricia O'Connor