My Age-Gap Friendship Made Me Realize I Was Looking For a "Work Mom"

I'll admit I used to be a snob about being friends with someone a decade older than me. When I started grad school, I gravitated toward the other 20-year-olds in my cohort, thinking I'd have more in common with them than with the Gen Xers who wore out-of-style jeans and talked about starting their own families. At 22, I felt like I was oceans apart from someone nearing their 40s.

The tables turned when I found myself in an office full of Gen Z employees and I was the older one, clinging to delusions of youth. Really, I had just turned 30, but to a 20-year-old, I assume I was practically ancient. My only comfort was a gray-haired Gen Xer, 20 years my senior, who took me under her wing. She would confide in me about raising two teenagers and I would complain about not knowing what I wanted to do with my life.

Soon, we seemed less like castmates on "The Golden Girls" and more like coworkers Barbara (Sheryl Lee Ralph) and Janine (Quinta Brunson) from "Abbott Elementary." (If you haven't seen the show, rookie teacher Janine often seeks advice from the older and wiser kindergarten teacher Barbara, whom Janine considers a mother figure, even calling her "mom" in the first episode.)

Eventually, however, the friendship fizzled out when I kept rehashing problems and ignoring my colleague's advice. As much as I valued this friendship, I realized she wasn't looking for a "work daughter." But not every age-gap friendship is doomed.

PS spoke with two relationship experts for advice on navigating age-gap friendships and how to get your friendship on track if, like me, you start treating your colleague like a "work mom."

Brianna Paruolo, LCMHC, is the clinical director and founder of On Par Therapy.

Alexandra Stratyner, PhD, is a licensed psychologist and a cofounder of Stratyner & Associates.

The transition from age-gap friendship to parent-child relationship may feel like a natural progression. In my case, this dynamic formed when we started talking about conflict with family members. And when I finished venting, I just wanted her to take my side and agree with me.

In addition to our age gap, becoming friends at work likely contributed to our parent-child dynamic. Since work can be a stressful environment, "there might be a psychological drive in us to seek a parental figure as a means of protection," says mental health counselor Brianna Paruolo, LCMHC. "If there are unresolved issues with a parental figure, you might project those needs onto an older friend in hopes of finding comfort, stability, or guidance in unfamiliar situations."

Psychologist Alexandra Stratyner, PhD, agrees, explaining that we tend to crave mentoring, safety, and comfort in a new or daunting environment. "An older friend or coworker may exemplify mothering qualities we're drawn to, such as wisdom, nurturing, and care," she says. In turn, motherly instincts may prompt the older friend to feel protective over the younger one.

Age-gap relationships, whether platonic or romantic, usually involve at least a 10-year age difference. According to Paruolo and Dr. Stratyner, there are a few signs that you may be treating an older friend like a parental figure:

As with parent-child relationships, age-gap relationships often involve a power imbalance. "While it's great to have an older friend's guidance, you may be hindering your personal growth and independence," Paruolo says. Being aware of this power difference can help instill a healthier dynamic where you're not relying on your friend to fill your emotional needs.

Both experts agree there are numerous benefits to having an age-gap friendship. For one, an older friend can help broaden your worldview. "Their firsthand experience of world events or cultural shifts may offer new understandings of life, making your friendship rewarding on a personal and cultural level," Dr. Stratyner says.

Compared to same-age peers, an older friend may feel less pressure to maintain an air of success, especially on social media, Paruolo says. For instance, your college roommates or high school friends might often post about travel plans or attending exclusive events, whereas someone further along in their career might be less compelled to perform or impress others. An older friend can also be a role model for aging well and having rewarding relationships at all stages of life, Dr. Stratyner says.

Even brief contact with someone older than you can have a positive effect on your mood and well-being, according to a study in The International Journal of Aging and Human Development. Another study of youth in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health found that receiving advice from an older person can have a positive effect on your sense of purpose. In some instances, an older friend might be more emotionally mature and equipped to listen and empathize with you compared to someone your age.

On the career front, an older friend might "open networking doors, especially if their professional and personal network leads to new experiences or paths you wouldn't have considered," Dr. Stratyner says. So long as they're on board with being a mentor, an older friend can offer insight into career challenges. For example, they can offer advice on how to deal with a change in leadership or an unexpected demotion.

If you notice this parent-child dynamic emerging in your friendship, it is possible to hit the reset button. Paruolo suggests "auditing" your relationship by asking: How do you feel about the friendship? Do you feel hindered in your growth? Is your friendship triggering emotions you've experienced with your own maternal figure?

You can then talk to your friend about how you would like the relationship to shift, Dr. Stratyner says. For example, you can say: "I've noticed our dynamic feels more like a mother-daughter relationship. How do you feel about it?" Your friend might agree that they've been stepping into a motherly role, or they might be unaware of this dynamic.

In any case, consider this an opportunity to set boundaries. This doesn't mean "doing a 180-degree switch and having rigid boundaries," Paruolo says. "It's just being aware of certain parameters that need to be in place to protect the relationship you have as friends and coworkers."

For example, you might designate a cutoff time for the team chat or decide not to text on weekends. You can limit how much approval or advice you seek from each other and focus on mutual sharing and support, Dr. Stratyner says. In addition, you can become more independent and self-reliant by making your own decisions.

Rather than making your age difference a big deal, focus on your shared interests and experiences. Like me, you may find yourself in a motherly role one day. "So it's important to be open to your own evolution and recognize that you don't have to step into that dynamic," Paruolo says.

Nandini Maharaj, PhD, is a trained therapist with a master's degree in counseling and a doctorate in public health. Her writing on health, wellness, relationships, and dogs has been featured by PS, Self, Well+Good, Business Insider, Apartment Therapy, American Kennel Club, and more.