Why Am I Absolutely Terrified of Bumble BFF?

"Come meet my Bumble BFF."

I was at a Fourth of July party this summer when a longtime friend pulled me over to meet a girl she'd recently befriended through the dating app's section for people who just want to make new friends.

My mind was suddenly filled with so many conflicting thoughts: I could never meet a new friend off an app. But I've gone on tons of dating app dates, why is this any different? This girl seems cool. But imagine getting rejected by someone you just want to be friends with!

Why the sudden onset of anxiety when I imagined trying out a friend dating app? I quickly realized that getting rejected by a potential romantic interest is one thing — there could be a million reasons I'm not the one someone is looking for, and I don't take that personally. But getting rejected by someone I want to be friends with? That feels so personal.

As it turns out, I wasn't alone in thinking this way. Many fellow party attendees agreed they were intrigued by the prospect but apprehensive about actually trying it themselves. Some had actually gone on Bumble BFF dates but were discouraged after experiencing awkward interactions with people who turned out to not be the right match for a new friendship.

On social media, that sentiment is amplified. "I get more nervous for my Bumble BFF dates than actual romantic dates," one X user posted. Another wrote: "I downloaded Bumble BFF to force myself to start talking to [people] again but I'm SO nervous."

"I feel like bumble bff is more brutal than dating apps," another user wrote. "I could care less if a man doesn't want me but what do you mean that girl who I think is a 10/10 doesn't wanna be my friend back."

Relationship therapist and dating coach Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST, took a stab at Bumble BFF a few months back. She "hated it," she says, adding that she found it "mentally taxing" to figure out how to connect with each individual match. If even a therapist is feeling that way, how are the rest of us supposed to navigate this bizarre world of swiping for friends?

On my way home from the party, I thought about our discussion more. Clearly, Bumble BFF has the potential to work — my friend and her new pal were proof of that. So why are so many of us still so afraid?

"Friend relationships are so much more vulnerable," Herzog says. "There's a lot at stake when you're trying to meet someone new in adulthood, where there are so many nuances. . . . With dating, rejection is a totally normal and acceptable part of the process because most people, unless they're [polyamorous], are only going to have one partner. With friends, not feeling accepted is just really difficult for people."

I set out to go on my first Bumble BFF date to fight against that fear — and to gain insight on how we can all get out of our own heads to actually make meaningful platonic connections as adults.

The first step in my Bumble BFF journey was making a profile. Already it felt strange, after years of curating profiles to attract potential dates, to do the same for friends. After reviewing other local Bumble BFF users' profiles for inspiration, I built my profile to emphasize what I like to do for fun and actually explicitly said that I'd love to get a coffee or go to a workout class together. It felt much more proactive than a dating app profile, which usually emphasizes things like looks, career, or other specific qualities one might hope a future romantic partner would have. With all of those parameters out of the equation, how do you judge whether you want to be friends with someone based on just a few photos and a handful of listed interests?

My solution to this was to swipe on as many profiles as possible: strike up more conversations and see who was the most fun to talk to via chat. But that had its drawbacks, too. I found myself spending way more time on the app than I ever had for dating. And a lot of the conversations that I had hoped would result in a coffee meetup ended up not going anywhere, which made me feel like it was all a waste. Herzog points out that this may be where people go wrong — making friend connections is easier when you're being mindful and intentional about who you're choosing to engage with.

"I would be really considerate about how much time you're spending on the app," Herzog says. "Try to only chat with a couple of people at a time, see if it flows, and then see if it's something that you want to actually invest time in going out and meeting them. . . . We're not talking to 30 people at once and getting pulled in all these different directions, because friendships take time to develop."

That new game plan proved to be helpful. I went from making 10 or more lukewarm connections in one sitting to two or three, each of whom had something on their profile that we had in common, like reading romance novels, doing arts and crafts, or working in the same industry.

Eventually, I connected with a woman around my age who lived in my neighborhood and had a ton of interests in common. Our communication styles felt similarly fun, easygoing, and silly. We decided to make a plan to hang out, and when she suggested going to a nearby pop-up vintage market, I had a good feeling my strategy of focusing on common interests was going to pay off.

And it did. We browsed colorful vintage jackets and funky rings and traded book recommendations, thoughts on this season of "The Bachelorette," and phone numbers to plan a future hang. I walked home feeling like the city was suddenly full of friends I just hadn't met yet. Somehow, connecting via Bumble BFF made me feel like I was more capable of connecting with others through in-person means, too — almost like a set of mental training wheels.

Herzog recommends a "balanced strategy" of making new friends by utilizing both apps and IRL activities, like a yoga class, a running meetup, or a public book club. It may feel intimidating at first to join something new on your own, but surrounding yourself with like-minded peers is a pretty solid way of ensuring you can at least find someone you enjoy having a conversation with.

"Apps are a great tool when they're used effectively," Herzog says. "But I still think it's really important that people go out, try to meet friends of friends, go to things by themselves."

Ultimately, my Bumble BFF journey helped me realize that there are so many people right under my nose who are ready for new connections. It made me less afraid of the potential for platonic rejection and more excited about the possibility of new friendship.

"While rejection can feel painful, I'd suggest viewing being rejected as a good thing," Herzog says. "This person did not feel compatible with you, which means you've saved time and energy investing in something that was not a good fit. This leaves you with more opportunities to invest in friendships with people who will choose you, and not something that's forced or convenient."

I'm excited to keep using the app to, as Herzog recommends, invest in deeper friendships. Not every BFF match is going to be my actual BFF, but I'm learning that the quest for human connection is worth an occasional awkward moment.

"We really need friendships," Herzog says. "We really need community and connection. I would really encourage people to take the risk and try to put themselves out there. . . . Even if you don't meet someone, you still have a new experience."

Hannah Yasharoff is a journalist based in Washington DC specializing in entertainment, wellness, and lifestyle topics. Previously, she was an entertainment and wellness reporter at USA Today for more than five years before serving as a health and wellness reporter for The Messenger.