What Happens When the Kink That Brings You Pleasure Is Also the Source of Your Regret?

Exploring kinks during sex can be an empowering feeling. Not only can it lead to a more satisfying orgasm, but it can also break up the monotony of your normal sex routine. But for many people, the moment the post-orgasm euphoria wears off, that's when the regret and guilt begins to creep in. You may ask yourself, "Wait, what does it say about me that I liked that?"

This feeling of doubt and shame isn't exactly surprising, considering women are constantly bombarded with messaging about how we should experience pleasure. Someone always has an opinion on what's "normal" vs. what's "too much" and what's "sexy" vs. what's "crazy." Once you add kink exploration to the mix, no matter how tame or intense, the shame can feel overwhelming — even if it brought you pleasure just minutes before.

Although kink shame is a very real experience, there's nothing inherently shameful about having kinks or certain fetishes when explored consensually. So why do so many people feel guilty for exploring kinks? And how can you not feel regret following any experience with kink? Sex expert Carol Queen, PhD, explains below.

Carol Queen, PhD, is an author, educator, and sexologist. Dr. Queen is also the staff sexologist for the sex-toy retailer Good Vibes.

By Merriam-Webster's definition, a kink is any sort of "unconventional sexual taste or behavior," so kink shaming is when someone (or society as a whole) makes you feel bad for having this interest. But it doesn't always have to come from someone else: "Kink shaming can certainly come via our own attitudes, beliefs, and social anxieties," Dr. Queen says. In other words, despite not doing anything wrong, kink shame can make people feel embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed for something that they may have otherwise enjoyed.

Women may be more prone to experiencing internal and external shame around sex in general, but especially kinky sex. "Female sex-role stereotypes leave less openness than male ones do," Dr. Queen says. "Slut-shaming is principally aimed at women." This is because we are constantly surrounded by messaging that insinuates that a sexually fulfilled woman is a whore and that kink is bad. In reality, however, kink is just another way to explore your sexuality. "In no way should a person shame themselves over fantasies and desires," Dr. Queen says.

Unfortunately, there's no one-size-fits-all approach to moving past internal shame. That said, you can start by recognizing you may be kink-shaming yourself. Once you've come to a place of understanding, "determine that you would like to move from self-shaming to self-acceptance," Dr. Queen says. Fortunately, there are a few ways you can do this.

First off, you can find support. Whether through sex therapy or by communicating how you're feeling to your partner, talking to others can help you unpack where the shame you experience comes from. Dr. Queen also recommends giving yourself supportive and comforting self-talk, reminding yourself that there's nothing wrong with you for wanting to explore a sexual interest consensually. "Leave yourself notes — journaling can be a way to get into this," she suggests. It also might help to get more involved in the kink community, whether that's reading more books on kink, attending kink events in your area, or looking for kink-positive spaces online.

To help you fight off any insecurities immediately after sex, engaging in aftercare may also be a good option to help you come down from the emotional high of sex. (Reminder: aftercare is the quality time you spend with your partner immediately after sex talking about the sex, cuddling, eating food, taking a shower, etc.)

At the end of the day, sex should look however you want it to look. If it includes missionary sex the rest of your life, that's totally OK. If it includes BDSM, voyeurism, role play, impact play, or other sexual interest, that's OK too. The beauty of sexual exploration is that it's your personal journey. Don't let shame or guilt stop you from reaching your best orgasms.

Taylor Andrews (she/her) is the balance editor at PS, specializing in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. With seven years of editorial experience, Taylor has a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Prior to joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan.